do you know your desire type? (and why you should)
Have you every wondered how your partner can get revved up seemingly out of the blue but it takes you ages to get on the same page?
You might have different desire styles.
SPONTANEOUS DESIRE looks like:
Feeling desire out of nowhere/with little enticement
Desire builds from anticipation of pleasure
RESPONSIVE DESIRE looks like:
Can take 20+ minutes of intentional connection to start to consider intimacy as an option
Desire builds from already experiencing some form of pleasure, and allowing for more (experiencing connection, affection, massage, kind or dirty words… it looks different for everyone)
Knowing what your type is, along with a partners, can help you learn to initiate and communicate with each other more effectively, to banish that old miscommunication thing and get right to what’s good!
If your partner has spontaneous desire, you could try:
Surprising them by initiating! You’ll need to learn your own turn-on’s first, to make sure you’re into it too. Taking the lead can make your spontaneous partner feel wanted in new ways if you’re not usually the one to get things started.
If your partner has responsive desire, you might want to:
Ask them, what would feel good right now, without pressure for it to go anwhere? (could be a massage, slow dancing, a shower together, etc)
Do that thing! Let them know it doesn’t have to go anywhere, and you’re open to more if it feels right. Check in with them. Feeling safe and knowing that a “no” is a respected option can be a huge factor for many with responsive desire.
Ask if there is anything happening that turns on their breaks when it comes to intimacy. Too distracted by a pile of dishes, or baskets of laundry to fold? Take care of those distractions together, so a more interesting activity can take over! It can be hard for some of us to feel totally present in the moment when there are a million little things looming on our to-do lists.
Ask if there is anything in particular that helps them get in the mood. Soft lighting, good music, a little clothes-on make out session, a foot rub, a head scratch… if they have no idea, invite them to explore possible options with you! Getting curious is so worth it, and can be really fun.
If you’d like to read more about desire styles, and how to navigate them, check out Emily Nagoski’s incredible books Come As You Are, and Come Together.
If you’d like to talk to me about libido mismatch, low/no desire, difficulty with orgasm, or how to initiate, I am available for coaching sessions HERE
“The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.
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